On Umbrellas
The cons
By Jayson Weingarten
It’s a very stereotypical question: “What is the greatest invention of all time?” Is it the printing press, the internet, the cooler, TV maybe even the wheel? There are great arguments for all of these objects, but a better question to ask is “What is the worst invention of all time?” While many products come to mind (snuggie, anyone?), I think the answer must be the umbrella.
To start, the umbrella simply does not do what it is supposed to do. No matter what, you always get wet. Rain always seems to find a way to pass through the umbrella “barrier” to the point where you aren’t really dry anymore. Maybe if there was no wind and water was lightly falling straight down you would be protected, but we all know that just doesn’t happen. Here at Penn, we’ve all walked through the dueling tampons, the so called ‘win tunnel’ in the middle of a storm. You get bombarded with water; it splashes everywhere and it seems to ran sideways.
To make matters worse, umbrellas always seem to break; a tiny silver rod is broken, the fabric has disconnected from the rod, the rods are crooked, the umbrella doesn’t stay open all the way, the umbrella won’t open, or you are stuck with ever so popular the umbrella blows out into a bowl. The bowl-brella is my personal favorite. It is so funny to see people’s reaction to having their umbrella blow inside-out. The best ones are the times people don’t notice their umbrella has blown out. They just continue walking, but now catching the rain.
For a seemingly simple invention, things just never go right when it comes to me and umbrellas. Maybe we just don’t along. I have had a few bad experiences in the past. The first day it rained here at Penn, I brought my nice new umbrella with me to class. As I walked out of the Quad, the dome blew off the stick, and I was standing on 37th street with what could only be used as a walking cane. It was an embarrassing moment for a young freshmen!
People always seem to keep these broken umbrellas like souvenirs from a vacation. You wouldn’t dare throw out that perfect sea shell from the beach and I have found that people tend to cling to umbrellas with the same sentimental value. They are not irreplaceable, they are pieces of junk. I will never understand umbrella horders. They are worse than coupon clippers, at least coupons have some value (1/100th of a cent).
How much would you pay for an umbrella? For something that doesn’t work, $25 seems like too much. And $50 for a golf umbrella? I’d rather enjoy a nice steak dinner than buy an exponentially degraded piece of garbage. You can always buy one from a street vendor, $5 or $10 cash, but how could you trust that umbrella? You might as well buy a poncho that says “I love wasting money” than a street-brella.
As bad as they are for one person, umbrellas are never good for two. I always find it humorous when someone rushes to get under my umbrella. They are simply too small to share, and we are both bound to get wet. Since you have to walk so close to someone to share the device, there is no doubt that one of you will trip or stumble. Doing the grapevine, crabwalk, or three legged race is easier than the umbrella share walk.
The other day I saw a frog-brella: a green umbrella with two eyes and tongue sticking out of the dome. Who wants that? Now you’re not just getting wet, but you look like an idiot in the process. And to the people with huge umbrellas that are big enough to hold a small convention underneath: please get a smaller one. It is just a matter of time before you poke someone’s eye out. You look as strange as the girl with the frog-brella.
Companies love giving out logo umbrellas to customers, clients, and potential buyers. There was a company that came to Penn last year and gave away some free umbrellas to potential internship applications. I saw one of the umbrellas in the trashcan a day later, two rods broken off from the fabric. I don’t get why a company would give you a ticking time bomb. Is that really good advertising, a broken umbrella? Maybe they want people to think that the company is broken and no good too. Hopefully the company is better than their broken umbrella. What’s wrong with just giving out a nice pen, a pad of paper, or a water bottle?
My favorite unbearable umbrella moment is when you need to get into the car. Instead of just jumping into the car, you fiddle around with a wet umbrella, and then bring it into the car. The inside of your car gets wet, and nothing stays dry. And it takes longer to get into the car, so now more raindrops fall in to your interior. Instead of making one less wet, the umbrella has just made matters worse.
Watching people using a newspaper or briefcase to stay dry is very amusing. The point is to stay dry, but now people are sacrificing one of their belongings to stay dry themselves. I’d much rather be wet and have my work stay dry than ruin a book or bag. I sometimes even see people using a computer to stay dry. Someone ought to tell them that electronics and water don’t mix before they write another check to Computer Connection.
Umbrellas have been around since being invented in Ancient China. Have we not evolved since then? We have the printing press, the internet, the cooler, the TV, and the wheel. These great inventons have all been improved and changed since invented, and we are all better for it. Umbrellas? No, still the same bad wood and cloth invention. Why do we still use umbrellas? Jackets keep us warm and our clothes dry, and ponchos, while not as stylish, surely do the same. I will never get why people continue to use inherently flawed tems.
There is only one good thing about umbrellas; sometimes they come with drinks at a pool bar. That is the only time umbrellas are an acceptable accessory.
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:36 pm
How often do you write your blogs? I enjoy them a lot
March 24th, 2010 at 3:07 am
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